Friday, November 29, 2013

Feeling silly...

So my last post was about my HSG test. I was stressed to the max. After reading so many different experiences through other blogs I was making myself literally sick with worry.
Here is MY experience.

My mom picked me up.
We stopped by the pharmacy because my doctor recommended Aleve or Motrin - since I'm not a huge medicine taker we had to stop a grab some.
I went with Aleve. Took 3. Headed to my appt.
Let me just say 15 minutes down the road I had psyched myself out so badly I told mom I was about to throw up. I was in a panic. It was raining. I was freaking out.
Mom just tried to calm me down  - but she knows me and I think knew I just needed to process and think it through.
(after she told me maybe 20 times to never look at the internet again. Right.)
We made it though. I ate maybe 3,403 tic tacs - but we made it.

I will say as far as the imaging center I was scheduled at I couldn't possibly have been more blessed by the staff. I was one of the first appointments so it was relatively quiet. They were very attentive and so so so sweet! I let them know my concerns and they were so comforting.

I went into the changing area and a guy walked in introducing himself as the xray tech and he broke down the whole procedure and what to expect even though I knew by heart from my "research"what was about to happen.
He tried to make a few jokes and was like yeah probably not the time right? No, dude. It's not.
I did appreciate the effort though :)
In the first xray room he had to take just a normal xray to make sure most fluids were out.
Totally not an issue. That was easy.
Then we went into the second xray room where the actual procedure was going to take place.
That's when I started crying. Ok, bawling.
He gave me a quick hug and said girl what are you even worried about? you look too young to be thinking about babies anyway... MORE TEARS! No!!! I'm almost 30.
Then I started laughing. It was weird bc I started thinking about how much he made. It must be a good sum to be so practiced in the art of false compliments and encouragements ;)

Ok, so now the actual situation.
I will just say I cried. The whole time.


I psyched myself so badly that I couldn't quit crying. Even when I KNEW it wasn't hurting!
The doctor (a pretty gal who looked years younger than me) (yes thought about that through tears as well) asked me what was wrong and if everything was ok.... I told her I was worried about the catheter going in and she said, babe it's already done! working on the dye right now!

I felt silly.
The dye did cause a tiny bit of cramping but for only maybe 5 seconds.
Then it was done girls! All the pain just gone! done!
What was a freaking about?!
Felt totalllllly dramatic.
Then I couldn't quit crying bc I felt so dumb.
It was a weird series of emotions.

So to wrap this up:
it wasn't bad at all. maybe "an inexperienced first time obgyn giving a pap smear for the first time" bad at the most.

I will say they did tell me that sometimes when there are abnormalities or blockages - or other things that could be wrong - there is more pain involved. I am in no way discrediting girls who say it was excruciating. Not my place. I just wanted to give a positive report that it can go painlessly and quickly, with only a tad bit of awkward.

We left the office and I felt just fine. I honestly could have driven myself if need be. Mom and I went and shopped around and had lunch so really it was an in and out procedure. I then went home and napped with Heidi the rest of the day so all in all it was a great experience thanks to the staff at the imaging center and probably the help of 3 Aleve.

So I haven't heard back from my doctor yet about our next step but the tech went over my results and said everything looked beautiful. Weird considering that I'm going through infertility. Nothing about my inner workings are apparently beautiful ;) but I will take it! So no blockages, no abnormalities. Praise Jesus. One less issue to worry about. Even though some type of answer would have been nice to explain the issues we are having  - have to think of this as a huge win for my body.... its about time!

James thinks that since my cycles are so all over the place one of our main problems is timing. He is super hopeful that with a monitored clomid iui cycle we will have a mini Stell on the way before we know it!

Well that was my experience. Just wanted to share.
Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving!
We did!

Lots of love,


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Not my idea of a good time....

Hello everyone!

Just a quick little note on how much I despise: MEDROXYPROGESTRONE.

What is medroxyprogesterone? (you ask)

Medroxyprogesterone is a progestin (a form of progesterone), a female hormone that helps regulate ovulation (the release of an egg from an ovary) and menstrual periods.
Medroxyprogesterone is used to treat conditions such as absent or irregular menstrual periods, or abnormal uterine bleeding. It is also used to decrease the risk of endometrial hyperplasia (a condition that may lead to uterine cancer) while taking estrogens.
Medroxyprogesterone is also used to prevent overgrowth in the lining of the uterus in postmenopausal women who are receiving estrogen hormone replacement therapy.

So yeah, that is what that is. I told you last time the doctor said if I hadn't started a period by cycle day 35 to give them a call and they would send these little horrors to the pharmacy for pickup.

Well - a few days before day 35 I started getting some spotting! ON MY OWN! Is it weird that I was so damn excited? It's my life and my blog so no, not weird!
I called the doctor and the nurse said that while that awesome - it didn't count. What?! My body is trying to work .... get a little more excited, lady! 
So despite some spotting nothing truly happened so day 35 I called and picked up the mini pills.
The next day Aunt Flo showed up full force completely showing off the fact that I needed the meds. So rude.

Now to the part about why I hate this medicine.
It makes me CRAZY!!!!!

I have been a mess the last 4 days! Short tempered, emotional, hot flashy, so sleepy, nauseous, I mean you name it....

I really believe my body was producing some of that hormone already just not quite enough - and the pills brought on a little more than actually needed. Bringing on my past four days of insane.

I mean I've never been depressed but if I could imagine what it felt like this would be it!
My poor husband. I am so thankful for his patience with me because honestly he's probably thinking he should be on the show Who the Bleep Did I Marry.... not kidding.

SO since I am having a cycle we have scheduled my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram)test for Friday morning! I'm really looking forward to this. It will at least be an answer. Do I have blockage, no blockage, etc. and I get to watch the dye flow through my tubes and things on the screen and I can't wait to check that out... I know, weird, but so cool ;)

I will update everyone on how the test goes and let you know if anything else comes up as far a plans with the doctor. I think unless we find something crazy Friday the plan is still Clomid with an IUI in December :)

Eeeeeeek! Praying that 2014 is our year! (and um, can anyone else believe this year is pretty much over?!) WOW!

Sending best wishes and love to all my girls!



Sunday, November 3, 2013

My FAV things at the moment :)

So I got this ecard from a friend and had to act like I was 100% on board with it. While I heavily agree - I'm almost tired of pretending I'm ok with not having our mini Stell....but I mean, Heidi really is awesome. Probably a shade or two past awesome!
I mean who wouldn't want to cuddle with these two....who needs a baby?! Honestly.....

We do??


....and I'm pretty sure even though our dog is awesome WHEN we DO have our gorgeous little Claire, she will look a little like this. ( at least we hope) CUUUUUUTE!!!
We have issues. Seriously.

until then we have this precious little gem. I feel like even when a mini Stell arrives this little beauty will always have our hearts. She is our first baby. She is wonderful and really probably half the reason James stays with me ;) Kidding....I think.
I am ALSO loving that they put the forms up on our lot! Yes, building our dream house has been a little crazy but would we really know how to handle anything besides crazy? Probably not. I know this isn't much to look at but to us it's simply AMAZING!!!! 1.98 acres to do WHATEVER we want with. I just picture a lot of quiet patio time with a glass of wine OR tons of room for our little one to run around...both scenarios are going to be pretty wonderful.
So goodnight, friends!
Enjoy YOUR favs!

the Stells


Sure, why not?!
A lot has happened since I last blogged - months ago!
Where did I leave off?
Ok, after our miscarriage I was shaken, but confident that Clomid was our best chance at finally having our mini Stell.
I took the 4th round of Clomid KNOWING that we would get pregnant. Maybe because our doctor seemed so confident?
I can tell you right now it didn't work.
No matter! It worked once - it would work again. To my understanding we have 2 more tries so maybe lucky number 3 would work out again. Let's do this! know that song - it's an oldie but goody - "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"?!
I totally got broken up with friends!!!
The doctor that I adore and put all of my trust in totally broke up with me.
Now, to be fair, I'm being dramatic...and I still adore her.
I was mistaken by the comment she made about trying another "round" of Clomid. In my mind I thought she meant the 3 times again when she actually meant - let's try one more time and see what happens.
I called her nurse and asked to refill my Clomid for round 5 and there was a pause and then a ummmm Dr. S would like to speak to you. Hold please.
Had I been flagged?! What the heck!
She got on the phone and said all the casual hi's and how are you's...
Then the shiz got real.
She said she had been where we are and she didn't want to see me be disappointed when we could be trying other things that might bring actual results.
I told her I loved Clomid. That was OUR way to get that result. She said that even if it worked she would be nervous that I would need more monitoring throughout the cycle and after.
See...she broke up with me. The whole "it's not you, it's me" situation.
I guess since that never happened to me growing up everyone has to go through it at least once.
Why now?! Middle school would have been way more tolerable. Maybe not... Moving on.
She then referred us to HER specialist who is responsible for her two beautiful IVF babies.
I had my reservations bc through blogging I have the seen the good bad and the ugly of the whole "fertility racket". Yes, someone called this huge time is our lives a racket. Ass.
I prayed and prayed. I asked God to make it clear what path we should take. This doctor. A different doctor. I prayed for peace with the situation if this was right and in God's great plan.
I knew hands down that I would walk out if it seemed the man hadn't looked at our file, didn't want to hear our story, and said "IVF is your only option  - hand over the money".
That didn't happen.
We went to our consultation and we were so impressed. We checked in. Waited MAYBE 5 minutes then met the man that I really feel will be able to answer so many of our questions throughout this journey.
We sat down and he knew EVERYTHING. He actually had read and looked over our file! I mean - I thought that was really cool. We talked almost an hour. He actually was going to school for orthopedics but his wife started struggling with infertility and it made him shift focus. Love him.
So now that you know I love yet another doctor ( I swear I'm not that easy to please) this is what he said we should do.
Like I said - the stuff works ;)
I'm a little frustrated and impatient because I have to wait for a cycle before we can do the dye test to make sure I'm not blocked or scarred or whatever else could be an issue in that area.
I told the nurse on the phone that I was pretty dang positive that nothing was going to happen on its own so they should just go ahead and induce a period.
She said no. Rude.
Soooo I have to wait until cycle day 35. THIRTY FIVE?! and then call to get the prescription to start my period. Last time it took 10 days for the meds to bring aunt Flo. That puts us into Thanksgiving week - ummmm somebody better be scanning some tubes on Black Friday, just sayin'...and they better like it.
After the scan and they find everything is PERFECT (amen, amen, amen) (it's going to happen)
I am going to start a new round of monitored Clomid - maybe a trigger shot - and then readers the doc is pulling out the big guns. I'm kidding. We are just doing an IUI. JUST?! This kind of takes some pressure off of us though which I'm super excited about. We will know exactly when I ovulate and exactly when to get those little swimmers into place. So pressure! So nice.....
So hopefully this happens in December!
We are so very excited!
This was our pic just leaving the consultation:
Cute, right?! Ok, J might look a litttttle creepy BUT love him anyway!
That's our update.
No mini Stell just yet - but we are moving ahead!
Faith in our hearts and hope on our side!
Sending a hug to anyone going through infertility. It can be a huge struggle if you let the pain creep into your heart. Protect your relationships, protect your hope and faith, mostly protect your heart. Know that God has His plan and His plan is GOOD and PERFECT!

Monday, August 5, 2013

3rd Round of Clomid

Long time no blog!
I've been deciding how to go about typing this little gem out.
I suppose since this blog is to document our baby makin' journey I should just be honest and put it out there.
As I said in the last post I was not too excited or hopeful for the 3rd round of Clomid.
I pretty much wrote it off.
Take the pills - wait for the negative - get our baby wanting butts to a fertility specialist.
Easy, right?!
Well my friends, the week of June 24th this girl got her first ever BIG FAT POSITIVE!
Shut up?! Really!
No way.
But, yes. Digitally legit pregnant.
(I want to add there may be some truth to the whole don't worry or stress and you will get pregnant) (most annoying bit of advice ever by the way)
The week we got pregnant we were packing and getting excited about a weekend away with friends, signed on building our dream house etc. My mind was the farthest away from mini Stell and the 3rd round of Clomid so we had a week of letting lose. Remember I just knew the 3rd round wasn't going to be successful anyway. Crazy how that works....
I mean can you believe it?!
Our 3rd round of Clomid worked!
We instantly fell in love with our little poppy seed. James was on cloud 9. I was quietly doubtful.
Ok absolutely terrified is more like it.
So many of my friends have miscarried their first pregnancies and I just wasn't feeling how I thought being pregnant should feel.
I scoured the internet. I pestered my closest friends. Questions day and night.
Why am I cramping so much?
Why am I not feeling sick?
Where are my symptoms?
As we counted down the weeks to our first appointment I started feeling better and better. Excitement was creeping in. No! I couldn't get excited.. I wasn't going to let myself be vulnerable. I kept telling myself that daily along with prayers to God asking begging pleading for Him to take care of our sweet baby.
Around 3 AM July 14 I woke up to extreme cramps and massive bleeding. 
While I've never been pregnant I knew what was happening.
I ran to the bathroom and cried more than I have in ummmm 10 years? I cried. I prayed. I accepted.
We lost our first sweet baby.
No, mini Stell wasn't even 8 weeks old at that point BUT that little one was what we had been hoping, praying, and waiting for. That little blip on the screen already had our hearts.
You would think I would be mad. You would think I would be so angry that God hadn't protected our mini miracle.
No, I am thankful. I am joyful that God has shown us that we CAN get pregnant!
We grieved. We cried. We talked and talked. This just wasn't our time. We will have our time.
Our sweet baby is in Heaven. Who could stay upset for long about that.
I feel that I need to approach our next pregnancy in a different manner.
I basically lived in fear for a month. Every twinge sent me to the internet. Every morning without nausea made me doubt.
I didn't get to enjoy the idea of the miracle that was happening!
I totally cheated myself.
SO next time. No fear. Just confidence in my body and my God.
I will enjoy every second and know that God is a comforting God. He is a healing God. God wants us to be parents eventually in some way, shape, or form.
I have been truly blessed by our first baby. This baby gave me confidence in myself, my husband, our marriage, and especially and most importantly our God.
We can get pregnant!
Such a huge thing. An amazing thing!
I'm going to wrap this up so I can go hug my sweet husband.
So round 3 of Clomid. Successful.
Something just wasn't exactly right.
Moving forward my doctor wants to try 3 more rounds starting in September. She is going to add progesterone right away even before we get a positive result just to make sure there are sufficient levels - if a pregnancy results in another miscarriage she will refer me to the specialist.
 Having this plan is a huge comfort to me.
I adore my doctor.
She hugged me. She talked to me and made sure I knew it was ok to grieve.
A pregnancy is a pregnancy. No matter if it's 2 weeks or full term.
I love her even more for taking the time to share her infertility story.
So yeah, even more convinced we have the best doctor ever ;)
So. Yeah. That's what we've been doing!
Next post?
Hopefully I think of something to write about before September BUT looking at my track record don't get too excited ;)
Maybe about our house we are building? Maybe about how awesome my dog is?
LOL! who knows...

Monday, June 3, 2013

Second round of Clomid!

So we are done with round two Clomid!

This round was KILLER.

I was an absolute mess. Emotionally, physically - and well any kind of "ally" someone can be.

It really made me question if  I could do it all over again. My face was so broken out it literally hurt to wash, touch, smile. I mean - adult acne is being nice. This was out of control! Even my facialist was stumped.
For some reason this round really got to me emotionally. I would have REALLY low lows then remember the big wonderful picture and have a really awesome burst of "We can do this"....the medicine is working and that is all that matters.

Then the craziest thing happened as if I hadn't had enough ups and downs....

My period didn't start.
Now remember I hadn't up until the first Clomid round had a normal on time cycle. Remember how exciting that was?!
So I was fully expecting to start right on time last Sunday. Is it sad I am already so used to negative pregnancy tests that's not even what I wait for?! Lol! Totally was waiting for my period. I'm a freak.

Sunday came and went. No period, slight cramping, but other than that nothing. Not one thing.
Mon, Tue, and Wed came and went as well.
Along with about $100 worth of pregnancy tests which I'm sure you have guessed by now were all Big Fat Negatives!
What the hell was going on with me?
Why was my period off again?
Why can't my body just get it's shiz together?!

Secretly hoping (bc everyone who blogs about miracle pregnancies says their test didn't show a positive for weeks and weeks) that maybe our mini Stell just didn't want to show himself at that time. How can you not get excited? How can you keep yourself from getting totally let down? How can you stop praying to see even a twinge of blood but then praying just as hard you don't?
Conflicted my people. Con to the flicted.

Around Thursday I did finally see a hint of something but it was a light brown color. Sorry TMI, but you are going to read far worse by the end of the journey I imagine ;)

So I did what I know best. Called my Dr. She said that she wouldn't recommend starting Round 3 until I was absolutely sure my period was starting. Me thinking the whole time ummmm like another year from now? Yes, negative creeping happens. She said she was sure it was just my period trying to start and with each round your period gets a little later. WHAT?! You are giving me something that will make me even more weird. She's lucky I like her.

Went to the pharmacy and filled the Clomid just in case something happened - along with another $30 spent on a pregnancy test. Ya know, just because. I mean why not?

Saturday I had the most terrible headache in the WORLD. Well not quite migraine but pretty dang horrible.
Then Sunday - my life went back in the direction I am getting pretty comfortable with! I started! Praise my wonderful Jesus!
My body was working - it was doing what it could to deliver.
Even though my cramps were off the charts I totally didn't care. Cramp on!

So with that being said Round Three starts tomorrow. This is the last round my Dr. will give me before referring me to a fertility specialist. Is it rotten that I just want to skip that nonsense and go straight up the chain. A wasted month to me just doesn't sound fun BUT let's just see for the hell of it what kind of WONDERFUL ailments I encounter this round. So excited :/

This is what my friend wrapped Clomid cycles up as:
1st: Feeling good, no symptoms, excited, hopeful.
2nd: Tired, apprehensive, super overly emotional and hormonal.
3rd: Absolute bitch mode.

Everyone say a prayer for my sweet husband.
June might rock his world. Sigh....

Nobody will ever be able to say we didn't want our awesome mini Stell. We know God will give us our little one in His time - I just have to keep faith that I can handle the steps it will take to get there!

Yep, so that's about it!
Clomid is quickly becoming not so cool ;)

Happy Summer people!


Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dominican Republic...and Heidi ;)

Just a few photos from a wedding in the Dominican Republic/Punta Cana we went to in March..and of course, a quick pic of our little one. She makes the whole post worth it in my opinion ;)
 Our gorgeous Heidi girl!
 The Dominican Republic for Natalia and Rall's wedding!

 J, Flott, and Rall
Such a sweet bromance!
 I like to call Dave my very own Drake. Love him!

 Sassy little Aimee :)
The end.