Hi!
Long time no blog!
I've been deciding how to go about typing this little gem out.
I suppose since this blog is to document our baby makin' journey I should just be honest and put it out there.
As I said in the last post I was not too excited or hopeful for the 3rd round of Clomid.
I pretty much wrote it off.
Take the pills - wait for the negative - get our baby wanting butts to a fertility specialist.
Easy, right?!
Well my friends, the week of June 24th this girl got her first ever BIG FAT POSITIVE!
Shut up?! Really!
No way.
But, yes. Digitally legit pregnant.
(I want to add there may be some truth to the whole don't worry or stress and you will get pregnant) (most annoying bit of advice ever by the way)
The week we got pregnant we were packing and getting excited about a weekend away with friends, signed on building our dream house etc. My mind was the farthest away from mini Stell and the 3rd round of Clomid so we had a week of letting lose. Remember I just knew the 3rd round wasn't going to be successful anyway. Crazy how that works....
I mean can you believe it?!
Our 3rd round of Clomid worked!
We instantly fell in love with our little poppy seed. James was on cloud 9. I was quietly doubtful.
Ok absolutely terrified is more like it.
So many of my friends have miscarried their first pregnancies and I just wasn't feeling how I thought being pregnant should feel.
I scoured the internet. I pestered my closest friends. Questions day and night.
Why am I cramping so much?
Why am I not feeling sick?
Where are my symptoms?
As we counted down the weeks to our first appointment I started feeling better and better. Excitement was creeping in. No! I couldn't get excited.. I wasn't going to let myself be vulnerable. I kept telling myself that daily along with prayers to God asking begging pleading for Him to take care of our sweet baby.
Around 3 AM July 14 I woke up to extreme cramps and massive bleeding.
While I've never been pregnant I knew what was happening.
I ran to the bathroom and cried more than I have in ummmm 10 years? I cried. I prayed. I accepted.
We lost our first sweet baby.
No, mini Stell wasn't even 8 weeks old at that point BUT that little one was what we had been hoping, praying, and waiting for. That little blip on the screen already had our hearts.
You would think I would be mad. You would think I would be so angry that God hadn't protected our mini miracle.
No, I am thankful. I am joyful that God has shown us that we CAN get pregnant!
We grieved. We cried. We talked and talked. This just wasn't our time. We will have our time.
Our sweet baby is in Heaven. Who could stay upset for long about that.
I feel that I need to approach our next pregnancy in a different manner.
I basically lived in fear for a month. Every twinge sent me to the internet. Every morning without nausea made me doubt.
I didn't get to enjoy the idea of the miracle that was happening!
I totally cheated myself.
SO next time. No fear. Just confidence in my body and my God.
I will enjoy every second and know that God is a comforting God. He is a healing God. God wants us to be parents eventually in some way, shape, or form.
I have been truly blessed by our first baby. This baby gave me confidence in myself, my husband, our marriage, and especially and most importantly our God.
We can get pregnant!
Such a huge thing. An amazing thing!
I'm going to wrap this up so I can go hug my sweet husband.
So round 3 of Clomid. Successful.
Something just wasn't exactly right.
Moving forward my doctor wants to try 3 more rounds starting in September. She is going to add progesterone right away even before we get a positive result just to make sure there are sufficient levels - if a pregnancy results in another miscarriage she will refer me to the specialist.
Having this plan is a huge comfort to me.
I adore my doctor.
She hugged me. She talked to me and made sure I knew it was ok to grieve.
A pregnancy is a pregnancy. No matter if it's 2 weeks or full term.
I love her even more for taking the time to share her infertility story.
So yeah, even more convinced we have the best doctor ever ;)
So. Yeah. That's what we've been doing!
Next post?
Hopefully I think of something to write about before September BUT looking at my track record don't get too excited ;)
Maybe about our house we are building? Maybe about how awesome my dog is?
LOL! who knows...
XO
Lauren
